Lost In Translation
I love Japan. Nope. I loved Japan. Better. I loved “Lost in Translation” to where I’d watch the movie repeatedly on my frequent flights to Japan. Why you ask? Japan is just as Bill Murray pondered – Do you love it? Are you simply fascinated by it? Or, is it possible, that you could hate it?
I arrived in Japan late on Sunday, spending better than two hours trying to clear customs. Hum, a little racial bias here. The resident lines were non-existent at Immigration. The Visitors line wrapped around every corner that was found or created around trash cans. Sheyt. An hour into the line and finally I reach the “1 hour from here” spot. After clearing customs, I hop onto the train for the long ride into Tokyo. Cough. Hum, I wonder where that’s coming from.
Now, I love sushi. Not the crap that we’re sold in California – but really, honest, simple fresh ‘cause it was alive 10 seconds ago sushi. So, out to dinner to what is the hottest sushi bar in Tokyo. WTF! California roll? Since when do the Japanese even know what an avocado is? Cough. Cough. Hum?
Two Sonata’s and five hours later, up at 5am for an 18 hour day of business. Cough..cough..cough. Hum, maybe I need something (cough) for this cou…(cough) of mine. After the first meeting, I’m thinking I’ll run to the store.
Meeting #1…cough…cough…sweat…choke. Ok, in Japan, you don’t blow your nose at the table. It’s rude. I wonder about coughing crap across the table at your business partner? I wonder if his moving down the table is a sign I’ve fucked up?
Into a drug store. I point at my lungs… Sheeyt, the girl looks at me if I’m some sort of perv. No, not boobs, that’s on the “pink floor”, I need Sudafed! “No Sudafed. Take this powder”. Ok, what looks like a bag of coke is handed to me. I toss it into a glass of water and swear to god, this is the worst tasting stuff ever. Cough..cough..choke…puke.
More meetings. Least said the better. Let’s put it this way, relations between the US and Japan have just been set back…way back. I’ve redefined the “Ugly American” stereotype.
Over dinner, I actually did the reverse of a neat trick I once did at Benihanna. Once they flicked a shrimp into my mouth off the table. Cool. This time, I coughed a shrimp onto the table. Cool, eh?
The next day was worse. I begged the drug store for something, anything. WTF – Vicks, the good ‘ol stuff mom rubbed on our chests when we were kids – it’s a drug in Japan. Yep. A controlled substance! Seems as if the Japanese view cold medicines as drugs – they have, ooh, do I dare say it, amphetamines in trace amounts.
At this point, imagine this guy, coughing to where he can’t even get more than a word or two out at a time, literally dripping from sweat, begging for the druggist to put him out of his misery. He looks me over, turns, pulls a box from the shelf, and whispers – Codeine. Codeine, over the counter…I’m thinking…hum…YEA BABY, now we’re talking. How many can you give me? A hundred yen, or about ten bucks later, and 90 codeine at hand, I’m ready to zone out and sleep. So, I take one. Nothing. Sheyt. Take two… Nothing. I throw on clothes, find the hotel assistant manager who reads the instructions. “Take three every four hours”..but, he said, that’s for Japanese. “Maybe take four or five every hour”. Hum, suddenly I am not so excited about 90 codeine. I’ll go through those in one night. And, I did.
Here’s the bizarre thing – codeine is over the counter in Japan. And, the package even has instructions for children under the age of one. I’ve come to the conclusion that since most Japanese sleep on the trains and subways, that the entire country is bombed out of their fucking mind on codeine. Must explain why all those hot young Japanese girls are hanging old with old wrinkly grey haired guys. It’s a culture based upon being drugged and never seeing what’s before you.
I told you that story to tell you this. I hate Japan. Japan sucks. Lost in Translation sucks.
When an American goes to Japan, we get sucked into what we believe is fascinating and just love it…every minute. Well, do this, get sick in Japan. Don’t bring that Sudafed, ‘cause if Customs finds it, you’re a drug smuggler. Get sick. Try to find a cold med in Japan. If you can find something that works, hey, you’re better than me. Spend a night in the shower coughing up crap ‘cause they have nothing you can buy. See if you still love Japan.
In retrospect, I now know why the Japanese wear those fucking masks everywhere. It’s a national secret, there are no cold medicines in Japan. None whatsoever. Therefore, wear a mask. It’s that or die from the common cold.
~Posted by Ed in Fresno, CA.
I arrived in Japan late on Sunday, spending better than two hours trying to clear customs. Hum, a little racial bias here. The resident lines were non-existent at Immigration. The Visitors line wrapped around every corner that was found or created around trash cans. Sheyt. An hour into the line and finally I reach the “1 hour from here” spot. After clearing customs, I hop onto the train for the long ride into Tokyo. Cough. Hum, I wonder where that’s coming from.
Now, I love sushi. Not the crap that we’re sold in California – but really, honest, simple fresh ‘cause it was alive 10 seconds ago sushi. So, out to dinner to what is the hottest sushi bar in Tokyo. WTF! California roll? Since when do the Japanese even know what an avocado is? Cough. Cough. Hum?
Two Sonata’s and five hours later, up at 5am for an 18 hour day of business. Cough..cough..cough. Hum, maybe I need something (cough) for this cou…(cough) of mine. After the first meeting, I’m thinking I’ll run to the store.
Meeting #1…cough…cough…sweat…choke. Ok, in Japan, you don’t blow your nose at the table. It’s rude. I wonder about coughing crap across the table at your business partner? I wonder if his moving down the table is a sign I’ve fucked up?
Into a drug store. I point at my lungs… Sheeyt, the girl looks at me if I’m some sort of perv. No, not boobs, that’s on the “pink floor”, I need Sudafed! “No Sudafed. Take this powder”. Ok, what looks like a bag of coke is handed to me. I toss it into a glass of water and swear to god, this is the worst tasting stuff ever. Cough..cough..choke…puke.
More meetings. Least said the better. Let’s put it this way, relations between the US and Japan have just been set back…way back. I’ve redefined the “Ugly American” stereotype.
Over dinner, I actually did the reverse of a neat trick I once did at Benihanna. Once they flicked a shrimp into my mouth off the table. Cool. This time, I coughed a shrimp onto the table. Cool, eh?
The next day was worse. I begged the drug store for something, anything. WTF – Vicks, the good ‘ol stuff mom rubbed on our chests when we were kids – it’s a drug in Japan. Yep. A controlled substance! Seems as if the Japanese view cold medicines as drugs – they have, ooh, do I dare say it, amphetamines in trace amounts.
At this point, imagine this guy, coughing to where he can’t even get more than a word or two out at a time, literally dripping from sweat, begging for the druggist to put him out of his misery. He looks me over, turns, pulls a box from the shelf, and whispers – Codeine. Codeine, over the counter…I’m thinking…hum…YEA BABY, now we’re talking. How many can you give me? A hundred yen, or about ten bucks later, and 90 codeine at hand, I’m ready to zone out and sleep. So, I take one. Nothing. Sheyt. Take two… Nothing. I throw on clothes, find the hotel assistant manager who reads the instructions. “Take three every four hours”..but, he said, that’s for Japanese. “Maybe take four or five every hour”. Hum, suddenly I am not so excited about 90 codeine. I’ll go through those in one night. And, I did.
Here’s the bizarre thing – codeine is over the counter in Japan. And, the package even has instructions for children under the age of one. I’ve come to the conclusion that since most Japanese sleep on the trains and subways, that the entire country is bombed out of their fucking mind on codeine. Must explain why all those hot young Japanese girls are hanging old with old wrinkly grey haired guys. It’s a culture based upon being drugged and never seeing what’s before you.
I told you that story to tell you this. I hate Japan. Japan sucks. Lost in Translation sucks.
When an American goes to Japan, we get sucked into what we believe is fascinating and just love it…every minute. Well, do this, get sick in Japan. Don’t bring that Sudafed, ‘cause if Customs finds it, you’re a drug smuggler. Get sick. Try to find a cold med in Japan. If you can find something that works, hey, you’re better than me. Spend a night in the shower coughing up crap ‘cause they have nothing you can buy. See if you still love Japan.
In retrospect, I now know why the Japanese wear those fucking masks everywhere. It’s a national secret, there are no cold medicines in Japan. None whatsoever. Therefore, wear a mask. It’s that or die from the common cold.
~Posted by Ed in Fresno, CA.
posted by LeAnne at 12:16 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home