Naive no more!

A bit about me first:

I'm young, and hadn't had too many relationships (2 to be exact) and you could
say I was naive, probably crossing over the line of outright stupidity.

Just got to college, and was hanging out with a friend from high school when
a cute boy walks in, introduces himself and asks if we like trance cause he's a
dj. (I like trance.) But I forgot about it for about a month until
he randomly IMed me and asked if I still wanted his mix cd. So I went
over...and we talked for hours and he seemed so nice and warm and
caring and cute. And then it was suddenly 2 in the morning. And, I
am a very "cuddly" person, in that if I feel like I can trust you, I
have no problem with just grabbing your arm and leaning on your
shoulder for an hour or two. And so I asked if he would cuddle with
me. And he did...until 6 when I got ready for class. And sometime
around when he's asleep and I'm playing with his hair, I realize that
I really like him. This is bad, because he has a girlfriend. But through
a series of mental gymnastics, I convince myself that it's okay to be with
him (complete with periods of extreme guilt where I try to break it off, but
can't because I have no willpower, and I just like him so much, and that
can't be wrong, can it?)

So for about six months I see him on and off. All the
warning signs are there, he's always busy, he doesn't tell me much
about himself or his friends, he has a fucking girlfriend for fuck's
sake, he says he'll see me and then backs out. But I'm not paying
attention.

Until Valentine's Day (ah irony) when my best friend feels
like she can't keep secrets from me anymore and tells me she's been
seeing him too. At which point I break it off. And then I start
reexamining the entire charade, and realize that there was at least
one other girl for sure, and likely a few others. And that hurts, but
I tell myself it shouldn't because he never made any promises that it
was going to be only me, so I just keep telling myself not to be sad or
angry, and eventually I make my peace with that, however, in the process
of reexamining, I also find that he'd been lying to me about almost everything
else. And that is what pretty much crushes me because I trusted him absolutely
and told him things I'd never told anyone else, did things with him that I had
never done with anybody else because I felt safe, and that safety was
a lie. Everything I thought I'd known about him and his motives
suddenly became radically uncertain and a good portion of my memories
of the last six months got condemned.

Cue the depression.

I consider cutting myself again, something I haven't done in 2 years, so I don't
have to feel betrayed and hurt and ashamed at being so astonishingly
stupid. After about a month, I got out of that, and now I'm just
pissed. Because I understand now that I was less than nothing to him,
my only value was that I was so easily controlled, and I gave him that
control because I trusted him not to hurt me. And I know he's hurt other people too, and
will continue to hurt them, just because he can.

While I was depressed over spring break, I wrote a postcard to him, anonymously,
that said, "I remember every word you spoke and every time you touched
me. I think about it every day and every time I do, I want to hurt
myself." I left it in a book in the seat pocket of my flight back
home. At the time, I think I hoped that one day he'd get it and feel
bad. But now I realize that even if he got it, he wouldn't be sorry.
He doesn't have that much of a soul. Now, I don't want to hurt myself
anymore, but I struggled with the desire for revenge for a while. I'm
done with that too, now, but even so, I hate him, and (since I'm an
atheist and don't believe in hell) I hope he dies alone, abandoned by
everyone who once cared for him, left with only broken dreams and
memories of joys that all turned to ashes and despair. Which is a
horrible thought, but it's how I feel.

Thanks for listening.

~Posted by Danielle in Wisconsin